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Laughter 101 |
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I got some new underwear the other day.
Well, new to me.
Emo Phillips
I never forget a face, but in your case
I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx
In life, it's not what you know that's important,
it's how your wife found out.
Joey Adams
I said to the wife, "Guess what I heard in the pub?
They reckon the milkman has made love to every
woman on this road except one." And she said,
"I'll bet it's that stuck up Phyllis at number 23."
Max Kauffmann
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world
are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family,
so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger
brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Tim Vine
I read about the evils of drinking,
so I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath,
Lust, Envy, and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth
I pretty much plan my day around.
Robert Brault
When his life was ruined, his family killed,
his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the
ground and yelled to the heavens, "why God?
why me?" and the thundering voice of God
answered, "There's just something about
you that pisses me off."
Stephen King
First the doctor told me the good news:
I was going to have a disease named after me.
Steve Martin
The New England Journal of Medicine
reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree
that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Jay Leno
I have already given two cousins
to the war, and I stand ready
to sacrifice my wife's brother.
Artemus Ward
I have overcome my will-power
and have taken up smoking again.
Mark Twain
Lady Astor to Winston Churchill:
"Sir, you're drunk!" Churchill's reply:
"Yes, madam, and you're ugly.
But in the morning, I will be sober
and you will still be ugly."
When I went to college, my
parents threw a going away party
for me, according to the letter.
Emo Phillips
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, Prepare to die.
Klingon Saying (Star Trek)
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school
until you get older. Little things like being
spanked every day by a middle aged woman:
Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Emo Phillips
A man tells his friend, "I've been making a
lot of Freudian slips lately. For example,
last week I asked the train conductor for
two pickets to Tittsburgh." "I did something
similar the other day," says the friend. "My
wife and I were having breakfast, and instead
of saying, Honey, please pass the butter,'
I said, 'You bitch, you ruined my life!'"
A computer once beat me at chess, but
it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Phillips
What contemptible scoundrel has
stolen the cork to my lunch?
W.C. Fields
I remember the time I was kidnapped and
they sent a piece of my finger to my father.
He said he wanted more proof.
Rodney Dangerfield
I put instant coffee in the microwave.
I almost went back in time.
Steven Wright
Lady Astor once said with exasperation
to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd put
arsenic in your coffee." Churchill responded'
"Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it."
Fred got home from his Sunday round
of golf later than normal and very tired.
"Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said.
"Then Harry had a heart attack and died
on the 10th tee." "Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back
nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry,
hit the ball, drag Harry."
I went to the psychiatrist, and he says,
"You're crazy." I tell him I want a second
opinion. He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!"
Rodney Dangerfield
I told my psychiatrist that everyone
hates me. He said I was being ridiculous,
everyone hasn't met me yet.
Rodney Dangerfield
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead.
No, wait. Not me -- you.
Emo Phillips
I married your mother because I wanted
children. Imagine my disappointment
when you arrived.
Groucho Marx
A recent police study found that
you're much more likely to get shot
by a fat cop if you run.
Dennis Miller
As a senior citizen was driving down
a British motorway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice
urgently warning him, "Nigel, I just heard
on the news that there's a car going the
wrong way on A-30. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Nigel, "not just one car,
it's hundreds of them."
I'm dating a woman now who,
evidently, is unaware of it.
Garry Shandling
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The
first one left me and the second one didn't.
Patrick Murray
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in
the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
Rodney Dangerfield
Skiing combines outdoor fun with
knocking down trees with your face.
Dave Barry
As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you
that it is not important that you understand what
I'm doing or why you are paying me so much money.
What's important is that you continue to do so.
Hunter Thompson's Samoan Attorney
When I was born the doctor
took one look at my face..turned
me over and said, "Look--twins!"
Rodney Dangerfield
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live
for days on nothing but food and water.
W.C. Fields
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself
out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you
charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and
told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her
husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time
later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. You're finished already?"
he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way,"
the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is
about to go into business: "Suppose a woman comes
in and orders a hundred dollars' worth of material.
You wrap it up , and you give it to her. She pays you
with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you
realize she's given you two $100 bills. Now, here's
where the ethics come in: Should you or should
you not tell your partner?"
Henny Youngman
Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall into an
open sewer and die."
Mel Brooks
It was one of those bachelor parties where
all the married men had to meet at the end
and decide about what to say we did: "We
got in a fight with some guys, and that's how
our underwear got ripped. They ripped our
underwear, and smelled good. Jimmy,
you fell, and your nipple got pierced.
Ray Romano
You're not drunk if you can lie
on the floor without holding on.
Dean Martin
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby
that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear
of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to
a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "You go right up there and tell
him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
The only thing that holds a marriage together
is the husband being big enough to step back
and see where the wife is wrong.
Archie Bunker
I just bought a new house. I don't want to brag,
but it's in a golf course community. A famous
golf course, you may have heard of it, The Putt-Putt.
It's a beautiful place--my deck overlooks the third,
fourth, seventh, twelfth, fifteenth fairways, the windmill,
and the clown's mouth. I'm living the dream.
Tony Deyo
Some mornings, it's just not worth
chewing through the leather restraints.
Emo Phillips
Well, new to me.
Emo Phillips
I never forget a face, but in your case
I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx
In life, it's not what you know that's important,
it's how your wife found out.
Joey Adams
I said to the wife, "Guess what I heard in the pub?
They reckon the milkman has made love to every
woman on this road except one." And she said,
"I'll bet it's that stuck up Phyllis at number 23."
Max Kauffmann
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world
are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family,
so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger
brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Tim Vine
I read about the evils of drinking,
so I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath,
Lust, Envy, and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth
I pretty much plan my day around.
Robert Brault
When his life was ruined, his family killed,
his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the
ground and yelled to the heavens, "why God?
why me?" and the thundering voice of God
answered, "There's just something about
you that pisses me off."
Stephen King
First the doctor told me the good news:
I was going to have a disease named after me.
Steve Martin
The New England Journal of Medicine
reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree
that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Jay Leno
I have already given two cousins
to the war, and I stand ready
to sacrifice my wife's brother.
Artemus Ward
I have overcome my will-power
and have taken up smoking again.
Mark Twain
Lady Astor to Winston Churchill:
"Sir, you're drunk!" Churchill's reply:
"Yes, madam, and you're ugly.
But in the morning, I will be sober
and you will still be ugly."
When I went to college, my
parents threw a going away party
for me, according to the letter.
Emo Phillips
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, Prepare to die.
Klingon Saying (Star Trek)
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school
until you get older. Little things like being
spanked every day by a middle aged woman:
Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Emo Phillips
A man tells his friend, "I've been making a
lot of Freudian slips lately. For example,
last week I asked the train conductor for
two pickets to Tittsburgh." "I did something
similar the other day," says the friend. "My
wife and I were having breakfast, and instead
of saying, Honey, please pass the butter,'
I said, 'You bitch, you ruined my life!'"
A computer once beat me at chess, but
it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Phillips
What contemptible scoundrel has
stolen the cork to my lunch?
W.C. Fields
I remember the time I was kidnapped and
they sent a piece of my finger to my father.
He said he wanted more proof.
Rodney Dangerfield
I put instant coffee in the microwave.
I almost went back in time.
Steven Wright
Lady Astor once said with exasperation
to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd put
arsenic in your coffee." Churchill responded'
"Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it."
Fred got home from his Sunday round
of golf later than normal and very tired.
"Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said.
"Then Harry had a heart attack and died
on the 10th tee." "Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back
nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry,
hit the ball, drag Harry."
I went to the psychiatrist, and he says,
"You're crazy." I tell him I want a second
opinion. He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!"
Rodney Dangerfield
I told my psychiatrist that everyone
hates me. He said I was being ridiculous,
everyone hasn't met me yet.
Rodney Dangerfield
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead.
No, wait. Not me -- you.
Emo Phillips
I married your mother because I wanted
children. Imagine my disappointment
when you arrived.
Groucho Marx
A recent police study found that
you're much more likely to get shot
by a fat cop if you run.
Dennis Miller
As a senior citizen was driving down
a British motorway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice
urgently warning him, "Nigel, I just heard
on the news that there's a car going the
wrong way on A-30. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Nigel, "not just one car,
it's hundreds of them."
I'm dating a woman now who,
evidently, is unaware of it.
Garry Shandling
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The
first one left me and the second one didn't.
Patrick Murray
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in
the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
Rodney Dangerfield
Skiing combines outdoor fun with
knocking down trees with your face.
Dave Barry
As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you
that it is not important that you understand what
I'm doing or why you are paying me so much money.
What's important is that you continue to do so.
Hunter Thompson's Samoan Attorney
When I was born the doctor
took one look at my face..turned
me over and said, "Look--twins!"
Rodney Dangerfield
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live
for days on nothing but food and water.
W.C. Fields
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself
out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you
charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and
told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her
husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time
later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. You're finished already?"
he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way,"
the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is
about to go into business: "Suppose a woman comes
in and orders a hundred dollars' worth of material.
You wrap it up , and you give it to her. She pays you
with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you
realize she's given you two $100 bills. Now, here's
where the ethics come in: Should you or should
you not tell your partner?"
Henny Youngman
Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall into an
open sewer and die."
Mel Brooks
It was one of those bachelor parties where
all the married men had to meet at the end
and decide about what to say we did: "We
got in a fight with some guys, and that's how
our underwear got ripped. They ripped our
underwear, and smelled good. Jimmy,
you fell, and your nipple got pierced.
Ray Romano
You're not drunk if you can lie
on the floor without holding on.
Dean Martin
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby
that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear
of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to
a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "You go right up there and tell
him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
The only thing that holds a marriage together
is the husband being big enough to step back
and see where the wife is wrong.
Archie Bunker
I just bought a new house. I don't want to brag,
but it's in a golf course community. A famous
golf course, you may have heard of it, The Putt-Putt.
It's a beautiful place--my deck overlooks the third,
fourth, seventh, twelfth, fifteenth fairways, the windmill,
and the clown's mouth. I'm living the dream.
Tony Deyo
Some mornings, it's just not worth
chewing through the leather restraints.
Emo Phillips