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The 25 Funniest Jokes, Quotes & Sayings

  1. I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
    ~Emo Phillips
  2. I said to the wife, "Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman on this road except one." And she said, "I'll bet it's that stuck up Phyllis at number 23."
    ~Max Kauffmann
  3. In life, it's not what you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
    ~Joey Adams
  4. Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
    ~W. C. Fields
  5. A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
    ~Dennis Miller
  6. When I was born the doctor took one look at my face...turned me over and said, "Look--twins!"                                                                                                                                                                            ~Rodney Dangerfield
  7. You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
    ~Dean Martin
  8. Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
    ~W.C. Fields
  9. I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.
    ~Groucho Marx
  10. After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, "Maybe life isn't for everyone."
    ~Larry Brown
  11. I put instant coffee in the microwave...I almost went back in time.
    ~Steven Wright
  12. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
    ~Groucho Marx
  13. Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
    ~Dave Barry
  14. I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second
    one didn't.
    ~Patrick Murray
  15. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
    ~Emo Phillips
  16. Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: "Sir, you're drunk!" Churchill's reply: "Yes, madam, and you're ugly. But in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly."
  17. I hope that after I die, people will say of me: That guy sure owed me a lot of money.
    ~Jack Handy
  18. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.                                                                     ~Steve Martin
  19. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather restraints.~Emo Phillips
  20. You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you  get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for later in life.                                                     ~Emo Phillips
  21. It was one of those bachelor parties where all the married men had to meet at the end  and decide about what to say we did: "We got in a fight with some guys, and that's how our underwear got ripped. They ripped our underwear, and smelled good. Jimmy, you fell, and your nipple got pierced.
    ~Ray Romano
  22. As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore  Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy, and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around.
    ~Robert Brault
  23. If you don't believe you can win, there's no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.
    ~Neville Southhall
  24. It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
    ~Joan Rivers
  25. I went to the psychiatrist, and he says, "You're crazy." I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!"
    ~Rodney Dangerfield                                                                                                                                                                                                           

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